In junior high school I had a major crush on a hot, sexy, dope-smoking headbanger. I was convinced that if only he could see me play the guitar, then he would finally realize how hot and sexy I was underneath my jew-y / cello-playing / drug-free exterior. So when our geography teacher assigned us all to present a report on the settlement of Winnipeg, I decided to kill two birds with one stone: I wrote my report and set it to “the” quintessential rock guitar song; I then played — and sang — it in front of him and our entire 8th grade class.
This is that report.
(Recorded at a live “Mortified” event in Los Angeles. Rad accordion accompaniment by Renee Albert.)